Momming and Working.

Damn. Momming and working is tough. I’m not taking anything for granted — I know how lucky I am to work at a job with so much flexibility, and to be able to work at all is a blessing. But phew.

The constant pull between the two worlds can weigh on you. If she wakes up as I’m leaving the house — do I stay and feed her and say hi, knowing I’m going to be late? Or run out the door (usually in tears of guilt), but make it to work on time?

When I have to pump — do I turn away the student who is asking to see me? Or risk being short on food for her tomorrow?

If there’s a crisis at work and I can’t get to my emails and phone calls — do I stay late and answer everyone, but miss my baby? Or do I go home and soak in the three hours I see her before bedtime, knowing I’ve left students and parents unanswered who might be looking for help? It already seems wrong that an infant should only see her mom a few hours a day, so making the window even shorter just pulls at my heart. And I miss her all day.

Some days I feel like I did a great job at momming, not a great job at work. Other days I feel like I did a great job at work, but not so great at momming. Most days I feel like I did an adequate job at both — but not great at either.

I take solace knowing that Soley will grow up seeing two parents who work their butt off for what they have. She will know that she can do anything and be anything she wants, as long as she is willing to try. And she will know, someday — as she has babies of her own, the constant guilt and pull of working while your baby is at home.

And she will know, I hope, that it’s all okay.

Now I just have to convince myself of that. 🙏🏻