Thanks for looking out.

Cleaning out our back bedroom to make it into Soley’s big girl room, we have found a lot of gems. Some are hilarious, some are sad, some are like - why TF did we keep this? But I’m so glad I kept so many cards and letters from my sister all of those years. I didn’t know how soon, but I always knew someday they’d be extra meaningful.

There are often days where I feel like Jaime is reaching out to me specifically for what I’m going through. Just the right song will play, or I’ll run into the right person who also knew her. Today I found this card, and it fits perfectly with what I needed.

It was a card for my birthday from her - I don’t recall which one, but probably shortly before she died. After she had battled addiction and came out, seemingly, on top. She knew I had her back no matter what - even if we argued, even if I got mad. I loved her and I would never leave her side, and I would say the same about her for me.

I tell Jason stories about Jaime and me. How we fought, obviously, but how we had each other’s backs. Through our parents divorce, through her mental health struggles, through our Pop Pop’s battle with cancer, our other grandparents’ and cousin’s deaths, and through regular life crap. He always tells me how lucky I was to have someone like her - and he’s totally right. I was so lucky. Which is what makes losing her so much harder.

“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” That’s what they say, right? Sometimes I wonder. Would it have been better if I never had a sister? Some people don’t, and they seem fine. But then I wouldn’t have the memories. The personality that grew from life with Jaime. The empathy and patience, the stubbornness, the humor, the strength. All from being her sister. I wouldn’t be remotely the same.

And most days, especially lately, it feels like I have no idea where I’m going. Those are the days it hurts the most. But maybe this card was a reminder that she’s still looking out for me, guilding me along in life. She did that far more for me as a kid than she ever realized.

She inspired me to understand people’s battles. To walk through them together. To be patient with them if they handle things differently than me. To be sensitive that a small thing to one person might be huge to someone else. That we don’t need to see scars on the outside to appreciate that someone is hurting inside. That we aren’t all hard-wired for optimism and positivity, and sometimes just making it out of bed is a major accomplishment. That someone can “have it all” and still battle mental illness. And that some people have far worse demons and trauma than we ever realized.

Thanks for looking out for me too, Jaim. Based on all of the amazing things in my life, it makes it easier to believe that you are still here, guiding me along to the next phase in life - filling days with lots of joy and laughter in-between the heartache and struggles. How incredibly lucky I am to have someone always looking out for me. Even, and especially, when I have no idea where I’m going.