“I did it! Good girl.”
Tonight Soley was brushing my hair (kind of). I put my hair down, she grabbed her bamboo bristle brush, and brushed it. She then shouted “I did it!” And did a quick motion — you know, where you put your hand into a fist and pull your elbow down real quick and yell “yessss!”? Like that. Then she said “good girl.”
It made me tear up. Because I work with teenage girls every day. And they don’t shout from the rooftops when they do something small. They don’t even shout when they do something amazing, let alone ordinary, like brushing hair. When is that lost? When do you stop cheering yourself on?
I work with my girls every single day to encourage self esteem, positive body image, pride in their work. For some, it probably eventually happens with maturity and outgrowing the insecurities. For others, they will spend their life holding in their accomplishments for fear of offending others.
Women often do this. I think we are taught from a young age — through no ones fault. This isn’t against men. If anything, we do it to each other FAR more than man impose it on us. But we downplay our accomplishments. Oh? That A+? It was an easy test. The state championship in soccer? It’s team effort, I didn’t even do anything. The human being I grew from scratch and then shoved out of my body? Women do it all the time. The empire I started at my dining room table? I had an advantage, somehow.
I do it too. I see it. When people ask about passing my real estate tests on the first try — I uncomfortably shake it off “oh I’m just a good test taker.” Got hired right out of grad school at an amazing district? Oh, well I knew someone. Got all the questions right in a Jeopardy category? I’m just good at remembering things.
No. I’m fucking smart. And I work hard. And I set goals and then meet them. And if I don’t? I set a new goal, and then meet that one. And we all need to be proud as shit of that and shout it out.
What are you good at? Do you bake the best shortbread ever? Can you play a song on the piano just from hearing it? Are you amazingly creative at putting things together? Are you the funniest person ever? Sweetest? Most patient? Can you touch your toes, do a handstand, or any other mind-bending yoga feat that I can only dream of? What is it? Shout it! Show the world. Tell them how amazing you are. Because your children are watching.
Why are we SO uncomfortable with our successes? When does that happen? Because I can assure you, we aren’t born with it. I see it in Soley every day. She is PROUD of what she does, and she damn well should be.
But if she watches me, day after day, downplay MY successes, she’s going to assume that’s how this works. That’s what is expected of her.
And I want to be standing there when she gets her MBA, or runs for state Senate, or has a masterpiece in a museum, or just does something well that she freaking loves to do. I don’t care if it’s passing her tech school certification or getting a job waiting tables a nice restaurant as long as she’s happy and achieving her goals. And I want her to cheer so loud for herself and say “I DID IT!” just as proudly as she said tonight when she brushed my hair.
And I’ll be sitting in the front row, wherever we are, crying and cheering her on and saying “good girl. You did it.” And I will be proud of whatever accomplishment she achieves. But more importantly, she’ll be proud of herself. And that will be the greatest accomplishment of all.
