Cry, And Then Change The World

Had the realization recently that Soley’s Pre-K graduation is coming up and I am an puddle. Admittedly before having kids, I thought this ceremony was a little over the top. Along with 8th grade graduation, and other things celebrating standard life events. We all did it - why do we need to have a big ceremony? That’s not how life works. 

But I’ve been thinking more on this. I am of the generation who constantly gets the “millennials are entitled because they got trophies just for participating.” But I’ve been thinking on this too. As a mom and as a counselor, given everything I learned over my ten years in education and over five as a parent. 

I’ve realized that a trophy for participating is *exactly* what we need to be teaching our kids. In fact, it’s the exact opposite of what so many of the generation below us was raised with. It’s important to show that you need to keep showing up. Even when it’s hard. Even when you don’t feel like it. Even when it might be something you, quite frankly, suck at. Because that’s the only way you’ll ever get better. 

What we have way too much of these days is letting kids cop-out. Kids who are never made to experience real failure or defeat or heartache, because their parents protect them from it. I saw so, so much of this in my office. Kids falling apart over things that should have been easily managed. Parents calling to undo any damage caused by their kid’s decisions. And parents calling me for things the students should have been speaking to me about themselves. 

When parents shield their kids from too much, or try to do it for them, or inflate their ego by praising things that aren’t praiseworthy, or ignoring punishment or criticisms when it’s needed - who are we helping? How are we preparing them for a harsh world? They will be pushed, criticized. They will fail. They will try something, and not be good at it. They won’t get the job. They will get dumped. Their plans will fall apart. Friends will leave them out and talk behind their back. It will hurt, no doubt. Maybe even more for the parent watching, helpless. 

But the greatest gift my parents ever gave me was the gift of figuring shit out, handling issues, facing failure. So when the absolutely unimaginable happened to us when my sister died, I didn’t fall apart completely. Many days I wanted to. Some days I still want to. But I know that I am capable of picking myself up and somehow facing the absolute darkest days. Because it’s the same coping skills, at the end of the day. And I am forever grateful to my parents for that.

So when my kids struggle with getting their shoes on, or fall down the step into the playroom, or a friend leaves them out, or they have trouble eating with the fork, or they can’t have what they want at the store - sure, it hurts my mama heart to see them sad. But it also reminds me of the bigger picture. The message I am sending them: You are okay. I’m here if you need me - but I don’t think you do right now. You can make it through this struggle. So when the struggles get bigger, their skills get stronger. 

According to research, the number one factor in determining the success of a child is their ability to overcome challenges. Their resilience. Even *more* of a predictor than: Class, race, income status, having a stay at home parent, or gender. Read that again. Because it’s huge. 

So yes, kiddo. Keep showing up to that soccer practice. Because you’re capable. Because honoring your commitment to the team, even if you quit after this season, is important. Because running and hiding after a failure is going to send the message that you can’t handle it. Because continuing to try and work for something in order to find success is *exactly* how life works. And sometimes you’ll be the worst player. And sometimes your team will be in last place. And sometimes you will miss that big goal, and it will feel like a failure. It’s not. Because you showed up anyway. And you earned that trophy, damnit. 

I am confident there are great things ahead for this youngest generation, raised by us entitled millennials. They will fail, and fall, and struggle, and cry. If we let them. And then, they will change the world.